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I was pretty sure that he would never have an affair. But now, for the first time in years, I felt that I had options. I needed to feel: passion, hurt, happiness-any emotion at all. Steven needed to have an affair to stay in his marriage. He was adamant that he wanted to stay until his youngest was 5.

His son turned 5 three years ago; Steven is still married. I still love him. After an initial glance, Steven and I would stare at each other. I would feel his eyes on me.

One night he asked me to dinner. I am one of those women who have many male friends. We ate and drank and spoke of our lives, me waxing poetic about my wonderful life, he complaining bitterly of having no time for himself. He told me he would never tell his wife that he was having dinner with me. I thought that was weird. On the eve of my 40th birthday, we went out for drinks at a hotel bar in midtown.

I asked him whether I was crazy, or was there something between us?

When the Wife Has the Affair - Marriage Missions International

I wish that I had recorded that conversation. Steven was concerned about the implications at work. He wanted an overnight. My husband benefited -I was hot and horny all the time.

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A few weeks later, Steven and I had our first date. He lives in Chelsea and I live on the Upper East Side, so we picked a neutral neighborhood-Soho-to minimize the risk of bumping into friend or foe. It was a warm June night and pouring rain. We had drinks at the Mercer and dinner at Balthazar. We were making out like mad. We tumbled out of the cab onto a deserted street and, with a large umbrella shielding us, I gave him a blowjob. I felt elated. I got home at a. My husband asked me, teasingly, if I was having an affair. Steven and I planned an overnight to Washington, D.

We met at Penn Station for the Metroliner. I was wearing a black summer dress with a long slit up the back, a new lacy black thong and high heels. I was shaking. We settled in our seats and got vodka and snacks. I was dripping wet. In Washington, we checked into two adjoining rooms.

If You’re Sleeping With A Married Person, Here’s How To End It

I got out candles. It was the beginning of a three-year ride. Making time for an affair is challenging, especially if both of you are married with children. A good memory is essential. Always ground excuses in reality and truth. You need to be able to provide a skeletal accounting of where you have gone and with whom. The fewer details, the better. Steven had season tickets to the Rangers and no interest in going to the games.

I became acutely aware of their schedule.

Build excuses into your life. Join a fictitious book group or a poker game. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Anything that gives you a regular, legitimate excuse to be out of the apartment. I cannot stress enough the importance of this rule. Put nothing in writing, period. No love notes, no text messages, no nothing. I learned this by example. A few years ago, dear friends of mine were in the midst of martial stress. They started an erotic e-mail relationship.

Motivations for extramarital affairs are vast and can vary by gender

I know this because his wife printed out every e-mail and showed them to me. She also knew exactly when her husband was planning to consummate this affair. Steven and I were checking into a fancy hotel in New York our first summer. I was getting tired of having sex on the floor of our office. I used a credit card that was in my name alone see: Cash Only , below. At the hotel reception desk, I was asked for the billing address; I was reluctant, but they told me it was for their internal records only.

A few weeks later, while attending a birthday party in the Hamptons with my husband, he innocently asked me when I had spent the night in this particular N. I quickly said that a group of us from work would often go there for drinks, and the hotel must have mixed up its mailing lists.

People see and hear only what they want to see and hear. I narrowly escaped. Cash rules an affair. The last thing you need is a paper trail. Steven and I each got a new credit card, using our office as the billing address. We used these cards for all expenses associated with our affair. It was particularly useful when we used Priceline. Cell phones are lifelines for affairs. You need to feel as though you can reach your lover at any time even if you are deluding yourself. I also made sure that when I went away on vacation with my family, it was to a place where I had service-so the Caribbean was out.

It helps that we were both married with children. I talked about Steven all the time-to my husband, kids, parents and friends. People knew that he was a good friend of mine.

Everyone knew that I traveled with him, and that we went out for drinks after work, or to dinner. I was so obvious and open. Steven, Peter and I started hanging out all the time.